You can’t go back, you can never go back.

Perhaps this is one of those dreams I am better off keeping to myself.

Last night I dreamed that I saw Simone lying on a counter, and that I went over to her and gave her chest compressions and mouth to mouth breathing and that she opened her eyes and woke up. I took her up into my arms and held her. I was happy but I was also extremely anxious. She was so behind in her growing and so small. She would have to work hard to catch up on all the time she’d missed, I told her gently, holding her close. Her eyes stayed fixed on mine. I was worried because I didn’t have anything for her to eat in the house, no formula and no ability to nurse her. I was also scared to let her sleep. I didn’t want those little eyes to close ever ever ever again. I seemed to be at least partly conscious that I was dreaming in that I couldn’t give into the joy of her because there were things that didn’t make sense (where had she been all that time? where had she come from? how could she be awake and alive now?). Still, it felt real to hold her, and she smelled right and she looked right. I didn’t want to let go of her, but I did let Kurt hold her and I told him how I was afraid to let her sleep. Her eyes were so blue.